2) The Immediate Aftermath

photo taken from: http://staydum93.deviantart.com/art/Crying-Face-171951658

March 29. I went to the diagnostic clinic early to finish whatever it was that needs to be rechecked on me. I wanted everything to be accomplished because I was on PM shift. And yes, it was that day that I knew that I am HIV positive.

After the talk with the head med tech, I decided to proceed to the hospital although it was still early for duty. I was in the MRT station when I texted a workmate that I needed to talk to someone. I was glad with the reply; she’s on PM shift as well.

When I arrived in the hospital, I prepared my things and received endorsement from my manager. I remember texting my Mom that I had my follow up lab earlier, and that I wouldn’t be able to work abroad. I told her I’m sorry for everything, for disappointing her once again. She texted, asking what my problem was. Afraid of disclosing to her that I have HIV, I just told her that there was a problem with my blood exam.

I remember her calling, furious, asking me what happened. I told her that I might have Hepa B, and that blood was extracted from me again, and I have to wait for 3 to 4 weeks for the confirmatory result. I cried telling her how sorry I am. I cried because I lied.

She asked what my plans are. I said I do not know for now. Then I said, I can ask my manager if I can still retract my resignation. With regards to my employment abroad, I can just tell my agency that I have a health problem that may take a while to be resolved. With regards to my siblings visiting me in Manila, we can go on with it since it was already all planned out.

Then the workmate that I texted earlier arrived. She asked me what my problem is. She asked if it’s about my work abroad. I looked at her and nodded. Controlling my tears is such a feat. I couldn’t hold back any longer, tears flow continuously from my eyes. I cried in silence because I was embarrassed that the other staff might see me. My workmate and I agreed to talk after duty.

A few moments later, a guy I recently dated texted me, asking why I wasn’t texting back anymore. I replied that things are complicated with me right now; that currently, I’m in a very very dark place that I do not know my way out. He was worried; he called. I was not comfortable taking the call because I don’t want to lie again, and I don’t want to explain myself to anyone as of the moment. Things are very recent. But out of politeness, and the need, maybe, for someone to listen, I did take the call.

My voice was shaking when I talked to him. I told him I’m sick. Since what I do know about HIV then, is that it might lead to TB, pneumonia, or cancer, I had no choice but to just tell him that I might have cancer. I cried telling him that I did care for different patients in the hospital, patients in critical care conditions. And it’s so hard for me to accept that sooner or later, I may be one of those patients. I see how they suffer, and I will suffer like them as well. We ended our conversation with him saying, that I should just pray, and never forget to seek Him at all times.

After PM shift, my workmate and I talked. I did not disclose to her my real condition, but she listened to all the worries of my heart. Before we parted ways, she held my hand and told me that everything will be fine, and God will always be there for me.

I walked home crying.