photo taken from: https://www.worldnetsales.org/yourmemorystick/p/6/male-nurse-3003

I have worked my ass off for more than three years as a nurse. And being a nurse here in the Philippines is no joke. Nurses are underpaid. Well, not necessarily overworked since the hospital I worked for have fewer patients compared to government hospitals. But some, if not most patients that we have expects the best service from us to get their money’s worth. And even if that best service includes feeding them even when they are able, massaging their backs and feet to induce sleep, and putting their TV on or off even when the remote control is within their reach. And these are still mild nursing activities. I, myself, have experienced worse, that I believe is not even part of my job description. Harassment, sexual and nonsexual, I didn’t mind. I needed the clinical experience. At the back of my mind, I was telling myself I’ll leave this country and be richer than my patients.

I didn’t harm anyone. I believe I gave my best, at least most of the time. I was up for promotion last February as assistant manager in our unit, but I turned it down because my agency wanted me to resign since my visa has already arrived.

I was supposed to leave Philippines last April 12, but I was diagnosed as HIV positive last March 29. My dreams of providing my family a generally comfortable life suddenly shattered. My mother is a nurse too, but she’ll be in her retirement age next year. I was supposed to replace her as the breadwinner of the family. Now I don’t know how our family will be when she returns; she’s our sole breadwinner.

I have lots of dreams. Most of them, I know I would not be able to fulfill. Reality check here: I know I wouldn’t be able to work abroad.

I was offered a monthly average income of 100,000 pesos, tax free! I was supposed to have my own pad in a building with a centralized A/C system. No electricity or water bills to pay. There’s even food and transportation allowance. All I needed to do there is work.

And look at me now. I am currently unemployed. Not only did I lose my nursing job abroad, but I also lost my nursing job here in the Philippines.

Thank God for my ex-boyfriend, I am still holding on to this online news writing job he referred me to.

So how do all these make me currently hate facebook?

In my facebook account, I see my colleagues travelling around the world. They have been buying gadgets and other things that I dreamed of having, that I dreamed of buying for my Mom, aunts, brothers, and sister. I was supposed to help finance the college education of my siblings. I was supposed to help fix our house, pay the bills, and in general, provide good living to my family.

I remember in one of the seminars in the hospital, I told the facilitator that one of my dreams is to bring my aunts to Bohol, make them see firsthand the Chocolate Hills. My aunts were grade school teachers and they taught about the different tourist spots here in the Philippines, yet they haven’t been to one.

Yes, I feel regretful because I, too, could have provided for my family. I do not want to have HIV, but I invited temptation.

I have always been the supportive workmate, always telling my colleagues how lucky we are to belong to a really big hospital with high-tech equipment. I encouraged them to take foreign exams so that they will have better opportunities abroad.

In my heart, I know I’m happy for workmates’ successes. For more than three years, they served as my siblings in Manila. I’m just not ready to view their successes that could have been mine as well. I know that the problem is with me, but maybe I still need more time to recover.


Hence, I’ll say good bye to facebook for now.

So here’s the timeline of my life with HIV:

March 27 - medical exam for my work abroad

March 29 - HIV positive via ELISA (screening test)

May 8 - HIV positive via Western blot (confirmatory test)

May 28 - first visit to an HIV hub

May 29 - baseline labs

     I had my blood drawn; submitted three samples of sputum; and had my X-Ray. I was told that the CD4 machine is under repair. It has been broken for a month or two, as said by a fellow pozzie.

June 7 - consultation with the hub’s HIV specialist

     He said that all my lab results are good, but I was prescribed with Isoniazid as prophylaxis; just something to prevent me from developing TB. He also explained about possible side effects such as rashes and tremors. I can take antihistamines if rashes and itchiness are not tolerable, and I also opted to take Vitamin B complex in order to counteract the possible tremors side effect. I was also given the clearance of taking my daily supplementation of multivitamins, Vitamins C and E, Selenium, grape seed extract, and garlic oil.

June 22 - CD4 test

June 26 - CD4 result: 518!

Someone who read my blog sent me an email and asked why I worry a lot about my CD4, what its importance is, and how I would be able to get a significantly good result. Here’s a brief summary from several online sources:

What is CD4?

T-cells or T-lymphocytes are white blood cells that play important roles in the immune system. There are two main types of T-cells:

• CD4 organize the response of the immune system to bacteria, fungi, and viruses.
• CD8 destroy cells that are infected, and produce antiviral substances.

The relationship of HIV and CD4

HIV targets CD4 cells by binding to its surface, and eventually becoming a part of them. Early in the course of the disease, the body can make more CD4 cells to replace the ones that have been damaged by HIV. This is the period when the person with HIV still feels well and has no symptoms.

Eventually, the body can’t keep up, and the number of functioning CD4 cells decreases. As more and more CD4 cells become damaged, the immune system becomes more and more weakened. The weakened immune system leaves the body at risk for illness and infections.

Uses of CD4 Count

CD4 counts are reported as the number of cells in a cubic millimeter of blood. The normal CD4 count is 500 to 1000. Other sources indicate that normal range is 600 to 1200. It is also more important to pay attention to the pattern of results than to any one test result.

It is useful to have CD4 count regularly measured for two main reasons:

• To monitor the immune system, and decide whether and when to start to take HIV treatment and other treatments to prevent infections.
• To help monitor the effectiveness of the HIV treatment.

Personal note:

My baseline CD4 count is 518. For me, my result falls short from the normal range, but it is fairly high that it is still not recommended for me to start with ARVs. I somehow consider myself to be in a critical state because for a period of just around three months starting from the time I was first diagnosed, I developed mild swelling of the lymph nodes and seborrheic dermatitis.

The next schedule for my CD4 is on December, but in my case, I would like to take another one after only three months (September), even if it's not free anymore, just so to know how my health is doing. For now, I just have to focus on improving my lifestyle, so that everything I do is for the improvement of my overall health condition.

References:
aidsmap.com
aids.about.com
webmd.com

I was diagnosed last March 29, received my confirmatory result on the first week of May, and had myself checked at a local HIV hub last May 28. Until now, I still do not have my CD4 count because the machine in our hub is under repair. But I was informed by a fellow pozzie that it is currently being fixed, and might be available before June ends (fingers crossed).

Starting from the time I was diagnosed, I had excision biopsy of lymph nodes (my family insisted to doing it because they fear I have cancer). The result came back, and it indicated that I have reactive follicular hyperplasia (in simple terms, I have an infection). If they only researched about it extensively over the internet, they should have found out that common causes include rheumatoid arthritis and HIV/AIDS. But good thing they didn't, because I have no plan of disclosing my status to them as of the moment.

At one time, I had severe headache (the most excruciating migraine I ever had), fever of 38.6 Celsius, and body malaise which went on for a couple of days. Initially, I thought I’m already having the early signs of HIV infection, but when I saw petechiae in my arms (tiny spots of blood on the skin), I was alarmed that I might have dengue fever. Through prayers, and perhaps 1gram of Panadol, I became fine the day after. There were still morning headaches, but it only lasted for a few more days.

Since I do not have my CD4 yet, I decided to purchase supplements which will help maintain, sustain, and improve my immune system.

NOTE: Just a disclaimer, I am in no way endorsing or selling any of the products presented here. It is still best to consult and seek medical advice from your HIV specialist with regards to consumption of vitamins, supplements (herbal or not), especially when you are already taking ARVs.

First, I got myself the multivitamins that is complete from A to Zinc: Centrum!

Since it only contains 60mg of Vit. C, I decided to buy Poten-Cee, which contains 500mg of Vit. C in each tablet. The recommended daily allowance (RDA) is 90mg for males and 75mg for females. If you are a smoker, add 35mg more.

Php104.75 for 20 tablets

Its role in immunity includes stimulating the production and function of leukocytes (white blood cells). Researches suggest that neutrophils seem to be the primary cell type stimulated by Vit. C, and these neutrophils attack foreign bacteria and viruses. Ultimately, it is a general fact that Vitamin C boosts the function of the immune system.

I also bought Vitamin E (400mg) with Selenium (50mcg). Basically, it is an antioxidant, and has anti-inflammatory properties, and it is often lacking in HIV positive people. I am not on ARVs yet, but Vit. E is said to improve the viral effects of AZT (zidovudine, Retrovir).  It is also stated that  Vit. E functions best with Selenium, and vice versa.

Php 427.50 for 30 tablets

I also bought myself Grape Seed Extract or GSE (I first read about it in the blog of a good friend, (Iam H. Positive). Upon further research, it is said GSE may effectively reduce or prevent the impact of HIV infection. Studies also show possible antiviral activity against HIV. It interferes with viral growth preventing viral attachment to host cells. It is also thought to interfere with viral multiplication.

Php 350 for 100 soft gels

And while I was on a kiosk checking grapeseed extract soft gels, I came across another product: Garlic Oil softgels. I gave in to the brochure indicating that it has anti-inflammatory and anti-infection properties. But further research over the internet reveals that it reduces the effectiveness of nevirapine and efavirenz.

Php 200 for 100 soft gels

Currently, I am still waiting for the repair of the CD4 machine in my hub. But just like when I was still negative, I just have to lead and live a healthy lifestyle: exercise, enough sleep, eat healthy, and have a stress-free and peaceful mind.

                                                              image taken from http://momfog.com/2012/03/29/mom-guilt/

I had a relationship three years ago, and I learned that he died this January 2012 due to liver abscess. He was in his early 30s. As I’ve mentioned in my earlier blog entry, I kind of assumed that it may be caused by Hepatitis B. I got myself tested, and the result was negative. But now that I have HIV, I have a strong suspicion that I may have gotten the virus from him. We had unprotected sex.

When I learned that he died, I felt sorry for him. I even posted in my facebook account a video of his favorite song, “Somewhere over the Rainbow” by  Israel “IZ” Kamakawiwo’ole. We had a good relationship. I took care of him when he had fever; he helped me when I transferred to my apartment in Quezon City. I remember him helping me carry the chairs and the refrigerator to my room at the 3^rd floor of the building where I live. I was waiting for my deployment date in the hospital back then, and to avoid boredom, he gave me an online writing job; the kind of job which paid for my apartment rental, utilities, and internet bill. He was the first one who brought me to Malate, and he insisted that we hold hands all the time when we were there. Combined with my income from my nursing job, the online writing work gave me the opportunity to tour to different tourist spots in the country. So how can I ever hate the person who gave me life while I was still a struggling nurse in Manila?

Just yesterday, I don’t know what came to me, but I searched over facebook a person who I once dated for several months around mid-2009. I was shocked to learn that he too, has already passed away last October 2011. He was 25 years old. It was due to meningitis. And research tells me that meningitis is one of the defining conditions of AIDS. Right now, if I think about it, maybe he really had AIDS. It’s just that it was undiagnosed. He always wanted to do bareback sex. He doesn’t want me to use condom, and whenever I do, he removes it moments before I would cum, so that I could cum inside him. And right now, I feel so stupid for indulging in that practice. True, it felt better without condom, but look what it got me.

I also learned that he knew he had meningitis all along. If he ever consulted a doctor about that, HIV screening test must have been suggested for him to take. And if he ever took one, and turned out positive, did he intentionally pass it to me? I don’t know. I really don’t know. And perhaps, I wouldn’t ever know.

I have to admit, I got angry with these two abovementioned people. But then I realized, what if I passed the virus to others? These two are the most possible people from whom I may have acquired the virus, and I had encounters with them two to three years ago. So after them, what happened to the succeeding partners I had?

That is the problem with HIV. Whether your CD4 is high or low, that doesn’t necessarily conclude that your infection is recent or acquired years ago. More than that, it is asymptomatic. You may have it for years already, yet the symptoms do not show.

It is a struggle living with HIV. There’s that temptation to blame past relationships and encounters, and there’s that condemnation towards oneself. I carry around fear; I carry around loathing; and I carry around guilt.

Again, it is a struggle. And I’m dealing with it every single day.

                                                                                            

my pre-HIV pic

I created Pinoy Positive in facebook, twitter, and blogspot with the purpose of having support system as I start living as an HIV-positive individual. Since I haven’t disclosed my status to my family and close friends, I find it best to ventilate my thoughts and feelings in these social networking sites, and at the same time, get to interact with my fellow pozzies and share about our experiences. And I’m thankful for all the heads up, encouragement, and care.

It has only been one week, but I have “cybermet” several pozzies already. It’s also helpful to read their blogs as well. There’s one from the same province where I live, so we basically share information about our hub, the census in our province, etc. He has been living with HIV for more than two years, AND still without ARVs (galling, di ba?). And there’s another one I have known three years ago. Small world we are in, really.

I have been melodramatic in my blog entries, and others that have read asked for my background. There are several others from twitter who asked as well.

So here are bits and pieces of me…

• I watch Friends, Sex and the City, Coupling, Queer as Folk, and Desperate Housewives over and over and over again (No life, di ba?).
• I was supposed to take Med. Tech. as a pre-med course, but my older brother took Med. Tech. so I thought of settling with Biology. Almost all the courses in UP are quota courses, so when I passed their Psychology program, I decided to pursue with it instead.
• I was a member of a fraternity and a theater group back in college (an early battle between my masculine and not-so-masculine side. Hehehe!).
• I have three siblings: two brothers and a sister. I have four older stepbrothers, and two younger stepbrothers (masyadong masipag father namin. Hehehe!).
• I love travelling around the country. Whenever I have travel plans, I would work six days straight, travel for three days, then back to work again. There were also times that I go straight to the airport after my night duty, spend two days in the province, then fly back to Manila just in time for another night duty (patayan!).
• Standing at 5’9, there was a time when I weighed more than 200lbs. I got into gym and a diet program, my lightest was 150+. But now, since I’m still a little bit depressed, my weight went up (haha! Bwisit!).
• I dabbled into running to lose weight. I started with 5km on my first try. Before my 2^nd year, the farthest I’ve ran is 32km. I have participated in trail runs in Rizal (Merrel), and Tagaytay (Xterra).
• Because of group buying sites, I got to eat buffet in several different restaurants/hotels. Hence, the weight gain. 

And for some serious stuff…

• An ex-partner died January this year because of liver abscess. I easily thought he had Hepa B so I had myself checked; negative! But right now that I’m positive for HIV, I suspect that I might have gotten the virus from him.
• Being a nurse or any healthcare staff does not guarantee compliance to safe sex.
• Co-workers claim that I never looked sick. The past year when I had fever of 39 degrees, I went to the hospital’s clinic and had my check up (I suspected dengue, but turned out negative). I passed by our unit to file my two-day sick leave, my co-workers jokingly said, I was just playing sick.
• The longest period that I was absent from work is 7 days: sore eyes!
• So after discovering that I have HIV, I oftentimes look at myself in the mirror and furiously ask, “Is this the face of HIV? Is this the face of someone sick?” I had no symptoms back then. Now I have swollen lymph nodes (pero hindi naman din kse visible on the outside).
• I had excision biopsy of lymph nodes mid-May because my family fears that I may have cancer. Histopathology result is not yet released (inefficiency of the hospital; it has been more than two weeks as of this writing; they promised 7-10 working days).

No love is ever worth the risk of acquiring the virus. If you love each other, wear protection. If you love each other even more, get tested!