I am Pinoy Positive, a young man from the Philippines living with HIV. Aside from running the halls of the hospital for more than three years as an ICU nurse, I also run half-marathons in road and trail races. I was diagnosed on March 2012 just as my career in the healthcare industry was about to take off. I was set to work abroad, but HIV did not permit me to do so.

I already received my work visa to go abroad, and my departure date was set on the second week of April. However, during my medical exam on March 29, I was diagnosed positive for HIV. My remaining two weeks in the Philippines had already been planned. However, because of the diagnosis, I was left with much confusion as to what to do with my life. I wouldn't be able to work abroad, and I had already resigned from my job which I held for more than three years. HIV deprived me of a great career and a lot of other possibilities.

I was advised not to seek treatment right away because I only had the ELISA test, an HIV screening test. I had to wait for another three weeks before the results of the Western Blot test came out. I was almost certain that I was going to be positive for the confirmatory test as I thought back to my past sexual experiences, though a little part of me hoped that the initial result could have been caused by something else.

Those three weeks of waiting for the confirmatory result were one of the most agonizing periods of my life. I had difficulty sleeping at night, and I found myself crying every time I woke up. I also had suicidal ideas. At work, I had access to narcotics and other dangerous drugs. I had thought of injecting myself with large doses of narcotic analgesics and jumping off a building. That way, I would have been drowsy as I fell, and unconscious when I reached the floor. I fear pain, and I wanted a quick, painless, and sure death.

I told myself that if ever I get hospitalized, I would secretly mix my intravenous infusion with a high dose of Valium. It would induce sleep, and I'd eventually die of overdose. I have this fear of death, yet I wanted to end my life badly.

For a time, I had thought of myself as invincible. Why would I fear anything when I was sure of dying in the first place? I chose to walk home from work even if it was already in the wee hours of the morning, unmindful of possible robbers. I invited danger. I told myself, it is more of a sin to end my own life than for others to end  my life for me.

In every suicide attempt though, what kept me from doing the deed was my family. How can I ever abandon my younger brother, who even in our 20's, would still invite me to play arcade games with him in the mall just like in our younger years? And my mother who chose to be away from her family to work abroad? And for the record, she has worked for more than 30 years in the Middle East.

No one from my family and friends knows that I have HIV. But deep in my heart, I know I have already disappointed them for allowing myself to contract the disease, and I would just hurt them even more if I let HIV rule my life. I acknowledge that I made numerous mistakes in the past, but I would not allow HIV to dictate how my new life would be.

After a certain period of time, I started blogging, and created alternate accounts in twitter and facebook. I have interacted with fellow pozzies, and got inspired by how they have handled their lives, and eventually became successful, especially in their careers. They made me realize that although the journey would not be a walk in the part, it would be beautiful in the end.

In one gay social networking site, I created an account with the aim of making fellow Filipinos aware of the increasing number of HIV cases in our country. I especially encourage HIV testing, and was surprised to receive replies from people asking me where to get themselves tested. And I do get pleased when I receive messages that their results turn out non-reactive to HIV and other STIs. Recently, there were a couple who tested positive, but were still thankful for the early diagnosis. They are currently under treatment in an HIV hub.

Today, I am picking up the pieces. Slowly but surely, I know I will be in track once again. HIV is just a tiny bump in my life. My journey still continues, and life has still lots to offer. Being positive with HIV, ironically, brought a lot of positivism into my life.

This is my second article with PositiveLite.com, Canada's online HIV magazine. Visit their site by clicking HERE for valuable stories, news, and other information related to HIV and people living with it.

My second article can be accessed in their website through this LINK.

                                                                                            

my pre-HIV pic

I created Pinoy Positive in facebook, twitter, and blogspot with the purpose of having support system as I start living as an HIV-positive individual. Since I haven’t disclosed my status to my family and close friends, I find it best to ventilate my thoughts and feelings in these social networking sites, and at the same time, get to interact with my fellow pozzies and share about our experiences. And I’m thankful for all the heads up, encouragement, and care.

It has only been one week, but I have “cybermet” several pozzies already. It’s also helpful to read their blogs as well. There’s one from the same province where I live, so we basically share information about our hub, the census in our province, etc. He has been living with HIV for more than two years, AND still without ARVs (galling, di ba?). And there’s another one I have known three years ago. Small world we are in, really.

I have been melodramatic in my blog entries, and others that have read asked for my background. There are several others from twitter who asked as well.

So here are bits and pieces of me…

• I watch Friends, Sex and the City, Coupling, Queer as Folk, and Desperate Housewives over and over and over again (No life, di ba?).
• I was supposed to take Med. Tech. as a pre-med course, but my older brother took Med. Tech. so I thought of settling with Biology. Almost all the courses in UP are quota courses, so when I passed their Psychology program, I decided to pursue with it instead.
• I was a member of a fraternity and a theater group back in college (an early battle between my masculine and not-so-masculine side. Hehehe!).
• I have three siblings: two brothers and a sister. I have four older stepbrothers, and two younger stepbrothers (masyadong masipag father namin. Hehehe!).
• I love travelling around the country. Whenever I have travel plans, I would work six days straight, travel for three days, then back to work again. There were also times that I go straight to the airport after my night duty, spend two days in the province, then fly back to Manila just in time for another night duty (patayan!).
• Standing at 5’9, there was a time when I weighed more than 200lbs. I got into gym and a diet program, my lightest was 150+. But now, since I’m still a little bit depressed, my weight went up (haha! Bwisit!).
• I dabbled into running to lose weight. I started with 5km on my first try. Before my 2^nd year, the farthest I’ve ran is 32km. I have participated in trail runs in Rizal (Merrel), and Tagaytay (Xterra).
• Because of group buying sites, I got to eat buffet in several different restaurants/hotels. Hence, the weight gain. 

And for some serious stuff…

• An ex-partner died January this year because of liver abscess. I easily thought he had Hepa B so I had myself checked; negative! But right now that I’m positive for HIV, I suspect that I might have gotten the virus from him.
• Being a nurse or any healthcare staff does not guarantee compliance to safe sex.
• Co-workers claim that I never looked sick. The past year when I had fever of 39 degrees, I went to the hospital’s clinic and had my check up (I suspected dengue, but turned out negative). I passed by our unit to file my two-day sick leave, my co-workers jokingly said, I was just playing sick.
• The longest period that I was absent from work is 7 days: sore eyes!
• So after discovering that I have HIV, I oftentimes look at myself in the mirror and furiously ask, “Is this the face of HIV? Is this the face of someone sick?” I had no symptoms back then. Now I have swollen lymph nodes (pero hindi naman din kse visible on the outside).
• I had excision biopsy of lymph nodes mid-May because my family fears that I may have cancer. Histopathology result is not yet released (inefficiency of the hospital; it has been more than two weeks as of this writing; they promised 7-10 working days).

No love is ever worth the risk of acquiring the virus. If you love each other, wear protection. If you love each other even more, get tested!