Five months after leaving Manila, I finally returned, but only for a few days. My aunt booked me a flight with her to help fetch my cousin who recently took her board exam.
A lot of things entered my mind as I was on the plane. First, I know I got the disease in Manila. Until now, I can’t pinpoint who I got the disease from. And to be truthful, yes, I engaged in random hook-ups when I was still living alone. Worse than that, I neglected to practice safe sex in some occasions.
Shortly after diagnosis, I actually tried to search in facebook and another gay social networking site the people I had sex with in the past. I wanted to know the person who might have infected me. It came to my knowledge that an ex-boyfriend died of liver abscess this January, and another one I dated died of meningitis last October 2011 (click HERE).
Coincidentally, on my second day in Manila, while riding in a train going to Ayala, a Chinese-looking guy beside the door caught my attention. I stared at him trying to recall where I met him, and he stared back. Well, his height was a giveaway; I had sex with him before. Although we did it several times, they were all protected sex. But why did I see worry in his eyes? Or maybe paranoia was just playing tricks on me. We were still staring at each other when I headed towards the door of the train. We were beside each other, catching glances, but there were no exchange of words.
Is knowing who infected me really that important? I had protected sex with him, but why worry?
Maybe some questions are better left unanswered. I'm guilty of dwelling too much in my not-so-distant past.
Surely, there’s still pain in my heart. I had a promising career in Manila, and I was two weeks short to going abroad until I was diagnosed HIV-positive before my departure date. One night of sex turned into a lifetime of regret.
Me, working as a nurse here is purely accidental. I was visiting an ex-bf in Manila when he heard from his friend that a new hospital is going to open soon, and then he encouraged me to submit my resume. And that is how the story of how I worked for more than three years in that hospital started.
Manila was my stepping stone. I built my dreams here. As my workmates started to resign and eventually landed jobs abroad, I started to solidify my qualification by passing several international exams. I was a good nurse, but not a good employee. But eventually, I attempted and successfully gained my manager’s trust and confidence. My promotion came at the time that my visa abroad also arrived. And I chose the latter. Of course, one of my dreams is to work abroad, and secondly, I want to provide a better life for my family.
But because of HIV, I lost both ---- my job abroad, and my work in Manila. I lied to my family why I wasn’t able to go abroad. I isolated myself from my friends and co-workers. I went back to my province, and made sure to have no, or at the very least, minimal contact with people I know there. Up until today, my family thinks that I went home to rest since my papers abroad is still being processed. And they like it that way knowing that work abroad can be very tiring and embracing a foreign culture is difficult.
My plan of going back to Manila in search for work is nearing. I have mixed feelings. I’m a new and changed person now. Well, mostly new point of view since I already know my limitations and the purpose of me going back. It’s much clearer to me now. I still have this fear of what awaits me there, but I hope I’d still be as motivated and dedicated as I was in my previous job. Fingers crossed. Manila, be good to me please the next time I return.
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